I think my butt grew a little

from 10 hours of sitting on it.

Here is a picture of my commute home on Friday in the snow. During those long boring hours, I composed a poem. It goes like this.

Cheese
by LaRae McDonald

Cheese cheese cheese cheese

Cheese cheese cheese.

Cheese cheese cheese,

Cheese cheese cheeese.

Cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese CHEESE!!!

The End.

Significant

I used to have this super cheap thin plastic awful toilet seat on my toilet, and when I sat down it would slide and sink and cave in, which made my bathroom time a drag. Then one day this dream boy showed up with a new expensive toilet seat and put it upon my toilet. It is so firm and so smooth and so cool upon my bum!

AARP!! Ha ha ha!!!

Look at this! The AARP's records indicate I am fully eligible for their membership!!! Hurray for me - I'm 55!! I'm running straight to Denny's and ordering off the Senior Menu.

$4.99 Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity here I come!!!

(Who owns the AARP? Is it the Government? Should I be concerned about what my records are indicating?)

Happy Vernal Equinox

Ahh, Spring! There is a 2 foot square patch of potential beauty on my 1.5 acres of wild trashy land, and that is this funny black culvert thingy lodged in the ground - utterly hideous, but I planted tulips in it last fall and now they are a foot high of green stems. I think they just might bloom, and my white trash yard will have a spot of beauty. Yay me for my foresight. Forsite. Forecite? Something that a) I cannot spell, which might be the reason that it is also something that b) I don't possess. Except in this one Tulip Incident.

I LOVE growing up and planning ahead!!! Next step in my Embrace-age of Aging: Becoming one with my fine lines and wrinkles.

My sister is SO FUNNY!

She makes me laugh so hard, sometimes I'm able to eliminate a whole day's worth of tummy crunches, because my belly hurts so much the next day from heaving with laughter.

Oh wait, I don't do tummy crunches. I should put that on my to-do list.

But who needs crunches when there is hilarity in your very own family. This card she sent me makes me laugh out loud every time I read it - which is every time I get dressed or undressed because it's taped to my closet wall. It practically defines my existence. I picture her and shout out laughing to the wall when I see it. The sheep! He is so FUNNY!!! He has a bowtie on to be funny, but he is so miserable because no one else gets him. Stupid other sheep! HA HA HA!!!!!

My Coronation

I have officially been Crowned.

Following is the email exchange between me and Connie, the Ruler of my Dentist Office, who is so incredibly cool:

From: McDonald, LaRae X.

Subject: This Queen needs a CROWN!!

Good morning Connie,
Dr. Harper has been telling me I need to get a crown once my tooth starts feeling like it needs it.
As of 24 hours ago, my tooth NEEDS it!!! I can't eat anything on my right side. I have an appointment on the 28th for a small thingy on another tooth. Is there room then for me to do the crown too, or is there any time before then or close to sometime soon I could get scheduled? It's not so painful that I can't stand it, but I'd like to get it as soon as I can.
Thanks!
LaRae

________________________________________________________________

From: Harper DDS
Subject: RE: This Queen needs a CROWN!!

Hi Queenie!
I only have a short time on the 28th, can I move you to Wednesday, February 27th at 1:00PM?
Connie

_________________________________________________________________

From: McDonald, LaRae X.

RE: This Queen needs a CROWN!!

So just to make sure - I am NOT coming in today for the previously scheduled small filling I was going to get, correct? I'm going to come in next Wednesday at 2:30 for my coronation.
LaRae

__________________________________________________________________

From: Harper DDS
RE: This Queen needs a CROWN!!

That is exactly correct your Majesty! Your court will be waiting.

Connie

__________________________________________________________________

From: McDonald, LaRae X.

RE: This Queen needs a CROWN!!

Oh this is so exciting. I wonder what I will WEAR!

LaRae

___________________________________________________________________

From: Harper DDS

Subject: RE: This Queen needs a CROWN!!

I believe you should simply cover yourself in jewels, I don't think anything else matters.

Connie

___________________________________________________________________

When I arrived for my Coronation, Connie and Julie presented me with a tiara, and they brought their sunglasses to shield their eyes from my brilliance. We took pictures. What a hoot.

www.inventsomethingformefordinner.com

I need someone to create a website for me. I have this problem, wherein I am too chicken to concoct a dinner out of the random contents of my fridge and pantry. This is a skill I believe belongs to true geniuses. I know of three specifically - Bec, my mom and Lori, who can throw a bunch of stuff from their kitchen together and it comes out gourmet every time. Me? I'm stymied by fear and a lack of creativity.

It seems to me in this day of the internet providing you with everything you need to know, that someone could invent a website for the Fearful And Blocked Dinner Preparer wherein I enter the food items I have available to me, and it searches for recipes using those ingredients. How brilliant would that be.

Someone needs to jump on that immediately. Too bad no one is reading this, since only one person knows my blog address.

$451.93

This is the amount of my most recent cell phone bill with Verizon.

Following is my Action Plan.

1) find some of those fibrilator thingys to zap my heart into beating again.
2) solicit Tim Eyman to start an initiative for my cause.
3) switch to smoke signals.
4) attempt to control my Turrets.

AAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!!

Social Pariah

I just ate cabbage and lentils for lunch. I will probably be leaving work early in order to spare my fellow employees the wiffs of inevitable gastronomic fumes that will be following shortly. I'm such a thoughtful girl.

Chubby Bunny

I just remembered this game we used to play at church called Chubby Bunny. You stuff marshmallows in your mouth and have to say "Chubby Bunny" between installations. When you couldn't say it anymore, you were out. Whoever could stuff the most marshmallows into their mouth won.

Those people who milked it forever by allowing their spit to decompose the marshmallow and drain down the back of their throats really bugged me. No 12 year old girl could fit 17 full sized marshmallows into their mouths at a time. Whatever Samantha.

Most people sit around reminiscing about beer games they used to play when they were 12. Or at the very least spin the bottle. I think Chubby Bunny differentiates me. This is going to be my response next time someone asks me what characteristics set me apart. I can see it: I'm interviewing for a position on the NPR board of directors and they say, "So Ms. McDonald, what is it that makes you uniquely qualified to give our hottest and most hilariously brilliant Steve Inskeep sage advice on his next Morning Edition segment?"

"Chubby Bunny" I will answer smugly. So there.

City Chickens 101

I just took a class on how to raise chickens in an urban environment. Fortunately for me, I have an acre and a half to put chickens on, so I'm going to become a FARMER. I cannot wait. I will name my hens Henry, George and Anastasia. Hurray!!!

And after the chickens come the goats!!!

How My Morning Latte Was Completely Ruined

I don't understand why men think it is ok to wear sweats in public. These public sweats-wearing men tend to gather at Home Depot on Sunday mornings. Church of the Free Ballers. They should post welcomers at the front doors who hand out dark glasses to women entering. Or better yet, those big cones they put on dogs so they can't scratch. I wish I had one of those cone things to wear when I go to Home Depot so there's no way I can accidentally look down and accost my eyes because some sweats-wearer is passing by.

blogging head

I'm back to blogging. First I was laraemcdonald, then I turned into Fauxmas, for my family to discuss our next Fauxmas Bash, but as that has fizzled due to my family's innate lack of a desire to blog, I'm now turning into laraelaraelarae. No self-interest there.

I have chosen to return to blogging because SOME people in my life want me to blog. Their names are unimportant, but let's just say they are the 2 people closest to me who possess the most intellectual interest as well as online electronic community or whatever the academic term for bloggers is - interest.

Why my blog should be a subject of interest to me is unknown. Perhaps it's due to my wit and brilliance. Perhaps it is due to their boredom at work and desire to distract themselves with the whimsical banter of someone other than their brainiac pals. Perhaps it is because they want to be reminded of my sister, whose writing style I have suddenly adopted on this current paragraph (although I failed to include thousands of items in a series, separated by commas, typically in the genre of efervescent adjectives, but still the language has notes of Holly-esqueness).

At any rate, there should be a theme to today's blog. And there is. It is Parmesan. The tragedy of Parmesan, besides its expense, is the fact that if one is attempting to be a locavore, one inevitably must eliminate Parmesan from one's diet. That, coupled with the lack of coffee one could drink while adhering to such an austere eating plan, makes becoming a locavore one of the items I will be checking off of my "Can't Do" list. Sad, really, because in my heart I'd love to eat only within 100 miles of my home, but alas, no one can live both in South America and Italy simultaneously, so no one could ever be truly happy as a locavore.

The End.

All of us the last time

Games and Frivolities

Fauxmas can't be done properly without some games and amusements. I, for one, would love to play Team Canasta.

Any other bright ideas for entertainments?

P.S. I figured out how to add images in new posts, but I don't think you can do it in comments to existing posts.

P.P.S. I still think I should get extra credit for figuring this out.

Official Kick-off of the Fauxmas Planning

Ok I think I gave people access to post to the FB (fauxmas blog).
Only problem is, I think you have have create a gmail account to do so, but that's relatively simple.

So if you'll notice, there is a voting option to the right of this blog, where you can input your opinion on where you'd prefer to have Fauxmas.

Another major question is WHEN would you like to have Fauxmas.

I think 2 groups should be considered above all other opinions on the when: and they both start with Holly. Holly, et al in Montana and Holly, et al in Paso Robles.

Holly Bower's birthday January 25th, and a little birdy told me she'd be in town that week, so that's one idea. However, that might be too early to get the Holly Bigelow family up here.

But another idea is for a Christmas donation fund to occur for the Bigelow's trip up here.

I've thrown out enough of my own ideas so far.....now GET TALKING EVERYONE!!!!

(extra credit points for posting pictures and stuff to this).

Fauxmas

I am going to donate my not-so-used blog to a new and better cause: Fauxmas.

So somehow I have to figure out how to let everyone post on this thing, not just reply to my posts.

How do I do that?

TECH SUPPORT!!!!!!!!!

Still Person of the Year

Mom says I'm not cool and can no longer be the Person of the Year if I don't post.
So I'm posting. Once every six months is a good average.

Happy Most Depressing Day of the Year

So the word is that today, Monday January 22nd is the most depressing day of 2007.

I think I will celebrate by spending the rest of my day quietly crying at my desk.

Best hang up award

I hate all the fluffy filler words that people use when they are trying to hang up the phone. In my book, "Goodbye" is sufficient, with no preparatory remarks like "well I have to get going"....or "I'll talk to you soon"......"Bla bla bla" crap. If it's time to go, it's time to go. No warning necessary, no hurt feelings.

So today mom gets the award for best hang up. Midway through our conversation she said "I'm on the bus and just found a friend. I don't need you anymore; go away." And then she hung up.